


Panic Attacks Come Back

by AnxiousWizard



Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: Panic Attacks, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:28:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22048636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxiousWizard/pseuds/AnxiousWizard
Summary: Adaine has a panic attack... again. That's basically it.Because what do we do when we have feelings that we should deal with? Read fanfiction about it.And when there isn't enough fanfiction to read? Write fanfiction ourselfs and project all our problems onto the characters!
Comments: 7
Kudos: 51





	Panic Attacks Come Back

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Detailed descriptions of panic attacks (just incase you missed the title and the summary) but I think that's it
> 
> The timeline might be a bit weird since it was first written to take place before the events of the liveshows but still including things like Boggy and Mordread manor (I don't know if that's the canonical spelling but I'm rolling with it), but then I changed it to take place the year after. Hopefully the inconsistensies are not too bad.

Adaine wakes up from her trance to the sound of her alarm. How could she ever think setting one of Zelda’s metal songs as her alarm clock was a good idea? She tried it out in the beginning of this school year when Zelda suggested it to her, but now she couldn’t figure out how to change it back or turn it off. She really needs to get a new alarm clock. It’s seriously driving her insane.

It takes the strength and willpower of a god just to sit up. Getting dressed is all in a haze and it’s not until she is pulling away the curtains that she feels somewhat aware of her surroundings. The sky is just starting to shift from a deep navy blue to the light shades of daytime outside the windows of Mordred manor.

It’s late autumn and so the days are getting shorter and colder, making it increasingly difficult to leave bed every day. It looks to be nice out today, one of those autumn days you just want to spend walking outside with your friends, enjoying the sun even if the cold is biting at your ears. For some reason though, Adaine doesn’t feel as happy about that fact as she usually would. She shakes the feeling praying for it not to be a prophetic feeling but just Wednesday morning depression (a very real thing even if it’s not nearly as bad as regular depression).

When Adaine gets down to the kitchen, everyone seems to be there already. Everyone except Sandralynn that is, she needs to head off to work a bit earlier than the rest of them. Fig is hunched over her notebook of new song lyrics, absentmindedly shoveling cereal into her mouth. Kristen and Tracker are stealing food from each others plates while discussing their plans to arrange a holiday charity fundraiser before the solstice as a part of their work with the church of YES? Jawbone is cooking bacon and eggs by the stove.

Adaine takes out a bowl and spoon, pouring up some cereal and milk for herself before sitting down amongst her friends. The familiarity of it all is soothing.

“There is still road work down on the highway, so traffic will be a nightmare. You’ve gotta’ remember to be ready on time today” Jawbone scolds looking around at the girls. “I can’t be late five days in a row! I have kids to counsel.”

He only gets an unenthusiastic murmur of yeses and sures in response, but seems to settle for that.

\---

At least they’re only five minutes late today when Jawbone pulls up in front of Aguefort Adventuring Academy. Adaine has to sprint through the hallway to pick up her books from the locker but actually manages to get to class just as the teacher is about to start. She apologizes for being late and tries to ignore the few students who stare as she walks to a free desk.

When she can finally catch her breath again (maybe she shouldn't have been so quick to dismiss Fabian and Gorgug’s offer to tag along on their Saturday morning runs) she can still feel her heart beating fast and heavy inside her chest. Why isn’t it slowing down? She feels something heavy settle in her stomach. The feeling way too familiar, reminding her that her anxiety is always lurking. Even though she is getting better now it still blossoms up sometimes, it’s usually nothing too bad though.

She tries to collect herself, breathing slowly and most important, quietly. Acknowledging her feelings and telling herself that they will go away and that she is strong and that she can deal with it if she were to have a panic attack. Slowly but surely her heart quiets down, leaving only a faint but unpleasant feeling of lingering anxiety.

She really wishes that Boggy could be here with her. Realistically, she knows that Aelwyn needs him more than she does right now, but she misses the weight of him on her shoulder. Aelwyn has gone through a lot with her time in the tower and this dip in the recovery was difficult to manage for the both of them. Adaine had lended her sister the little frog as support when she visited her at the hospital last night, and now she was regretting it just a little.

Already having missed half of what the teacher is saying she hurriedly starts taking notes and making a mental note to ask one of her classmates for the rest later.

\---

The day goes on and Adaine leaves the morning’s difficulties behind when chatting to her friends and going about the familiar motions of the day. Her last class before lunch is _Useful Spells and How to Cast Them_. Normally one of her favourite subjects, but she’s been struggling with the spell they are working with currently. Right now they are practicing the actual casting of silent image. For some stupid reason Adaine just never seem to get it right. It’s always a different thing that goes wrong when she tries to correct herself.

Today is no different, worse than normal actually. Her spells just fizzles over and over. She raises her hand again, trying hard to just focus on the blue sparks jumping in her hand. Try to weave them together into a ball that can be turned into the image of an object. They just won’t cooperate! Adaine is suddenly blinded by one of the sparks exploding into a bright light instead of doing what it is supposed to. She feels her cheeks going bright red as most of her classmates look over for a moment to see what happened. She looks down at her notes, pretending to read. She glances over quickly as she hears people laugh quietly. Even though they aren’t watching at her and logically she knows that they aren’t laughing at her. She can’t seem to convince her brain of that.

“Miss Abernant,” the teacher comes up to her and puts a hand on her arm. “Maybe you should try again later. Class will be over soon anyways and there is no need to overwork yourself.”

Mrs Sunscruff smiles warmly. She is a good teacher and is always very nice, but the way she always seems to look deeper into Adaine, right onto all her secrets and thoughts, makes Adaine a bit uncomfortable.

Adaine responds with a curt nod, looking down at her notes again.

_I’m such a shitty wizard. This isn’t even such a difficult spell! I should be able to do it._

She feels that cold big stone fall down into the pit of her stomach again. Just trying to ignore it and look like she’s reading until the bell finally rings. She darts out of the room as quickly as possible, her misty step failing too.

_Fucking shit!_

\---

She meets up with the rest of the Bad Kids in the cafeteria. The sight of them sitting at the table laughing unties the knot in her belly just a bit and she smiles sitting down next to Gorgug and Zelda who are discreetly holding hands under the table. Cute!

As more and more students come to the cafeteria it starts to get crowded. Adaine feels her anxiety creeping up more and more as it gets louder around her. Trying to push it down and just focus on contributing to the conversation becomes more difficult. She could tell someone that she’s feeling panicky, but she doesn’t really feel like it today. She knows that they would listen and help her get through it without a question. It would just feel like she bothered them. She doesn’t want to bring down the mood. It’s not that bad anyways, she can handle it.

Lunch passes both slowly and way too fast, and before long it’s time to get to class. Kristen comes up to Adaine.

“We have Magic History now, right?” She asks as she distractedly sidehugs Tracker goodbye. The latter girl planting a peck on Kristens cheek.

“Yeah, but I have to go to the bathroom first. You can go ahead, I’ll be there in just a moment.” Adaine smiles back, trying not to alarm Kristen that something’s wrong.

“I could wait for you.”

“No, you don’t have to. Go and save me a seat next to you instead.”

“Ok, see you later”

Kristen smiles and walks off. Adaine lets out a quiet sigh of relief as she heads to the bathroom. She just needs to collect her thoughts for a moment. Take a moment to do her breathing exercises. She’ll be out again in just a moment.

\---

The bathroom smells of perfume, deodorant and faintly of urine. Not the most pleasant smell, but it could have been worse. The mirrors are slightly dirty and scratched at the sides, the walls full of writing and drawings. There is probably gum stuck underneath the sinks. Adaine washes her now shaking hands before retreating into a stall. It doesn’t seem like there is anyone else here, but she tries to keep her quick breathing quiet anyways. She wipes down the toilet lid thoroughly before sitting down and placing her cold hands on her forehead. She puts her feet steadily on the ground and trying to breathe more slowly, hoping that she can just will away the tightness over her chest. In for three, two, one. Hold for five. Out for seven. Repeat.

It’s really difficult to get into the pattern at first. The air getting caught in her throat on the way in. After a moment it gets better, she can focus on her breathing and it’s almost leveled. However, the anxiety is still washing over her and as soon as she isn’t counting anymore, her heart and mind starts to race again.

_It won’t stop. Why isn’t it getting better? It’s usually much better after just one or two tries to slow down. But it’s not working. Why isn’t it working? I’m going to be late for class. I can’t go to class, can’t go back there. I need to get out, I need to get out of here, I need to get out. No, just breathe. It’s going to be okay, it’ll pass. One, two, three in. One, two, three…_

As she’s trying to control her breathing again she picks up her bag. Searching through the pockets for her anxiety medication. She’s got some pills to take every day and some for moments like this. But where are they? She knows that she put them in her bag. They must be here somewhere.

_Where are they? I need them. I can’t do this. I need them. They have to be here? I need to get out of this. I need to get out of here. It’s not working. I’m not getting better. I need my medication. I need Boggy to be here. I can’t breathe. I can’t do this._

Her thoughts are spinning faster and faster. She’s given up her search for the little blue pill container, opting to instead clutch her bag tightly to her chest. Just trying not to go crazy, unsuccessfully trying to calm herself down. She pulls up a knee and hugs that too, resting her forehead on it even though it strains her back a little. Tears have started to roll down her cheeks. Breathing fast and choppy. Fists stiff and shaking.

_I’m supposed to be better. I’m supposed to be able to handle this by now. I’ve been working so hard and still I sit here paralyzed by fear. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get better. I’ll never get better. Why won’t it stop?_

_It hurts. It hurts so bad. Why won’t it just stop hurting?_

She feels her stomach turning over and over. Skin crawling making her wish that she could just jump out of it. She wants to chop herself into small, small pieces because, somehow she feels like that would stop this deep discomfort eating her up inside. Or she wants too feel actual pain, that would be better. Or just stop feeling. Just STOP!

Suddenly, her crystal dings. She doesn’t really feel like looking at it. She doesn’t really feel like doing anything except tear up her insides while screaming and crying. But, right now she welcomes any distraction from how fucking terrible this all feels.

It’s a text from Kristen.

“Where are you? Class has started. Everything ok?”

She needs to tell Kristen, she can’t do this on her own today. Not without her medicine and Boggy. She needs help. Writing out a reply takes a while. Her hands are still shaking and tears fog up her vision, so she has to go back several times for it to be readable.

“Bathroom by cafeteria. Pls come quick? Freaking out”

Short and to the point.

_Please, Kristen, hurry up. I can’t do this. It hurts too much._

“Coming now” The text show up just a moment later.

It might just be a few minutes but it seems like forever to Adaine, sitting alone in the bathroom stall trying so desperately to get enough air into her lungs. At some point her tears stop falling, drying into salty lines on her face. Itchy. Can’t be bothered to scratch at them though. At least it’s distracting her a little. A little. After a while she can hear voices coming from outside the bathroom door and she freezes up, holding her breath as the door opens. What if it’s someone else? She quickly recognizes Kristen and Fig’s voices though, allowing herself to keep hyperventilating.

“Adaine?”

She tries to respond but only manages a choked sob.

“Adaine, can you open up the door?” Kristen asks gently.

As the door swings open Adaine can see the worried faces of her friends looking down at her. She’s both regretting calling them over and worrying them, and so relieved that she’s not alone anymore.

“Hey, we’re here now. Okay?” Fig comes in to the tiny stall as Kristen stands awkwardly behind her. Fig crouches down resting a hand on the leg not drawn up to Adaine’s chest. Adaine works hard on suppressing the want to run away and the want shove or kick Fig out of the way so she can have a clear path to the exit.

“Adaine, have you taken your medicine?” Kristen’s comment sends a new wave of stress through Adaine’s mind. She shakes her head looking down at the hand moving in slow soothing circles on her leg, her anxiety hating the physical contact for some reason. “Where is it?”

Now the tears are streaming down her face again. She fails to form any words that could explain how she couldn’t find the pills, just shrugging instead. Her breathing is slowing down now. Not really because the panic is subsiding, mostly because she’s just too tired to keep up the pace. She tries to speak again.

“I… don’t… know… I can’t… find it.”

“That’s okay. Just keep breathing slowly okay.” Fig comforts. “It will be over and we’ll be right here with you until it is.”

A relatively comfortable silence settles over the girls bathroom as Adaine gradually calms down. Starting to count for her breathing again. One, two, three in. One, two, three, four, five hold. Over and over again.

“You’re doing great, Adaine.” Kristen encourages. “You feel a bit better now?”

“Yes, thank you for coming.” She breathes with a weak smile.

“Of course we came, you needed us.” Fig interjects. “I hope it’s okay that I tagged along too. I saw Kristen sprinting down the hall while I was skipping one of my barbarian classes and thought she could need some backup, wherever she was going.”

“Mhm, it’s okay.”

“Anything you need? A hoodie or something, you’re shaking.” Kristen remarks.

“I don’t have a hoodie here at school.”

“I think Gorgug has got a spare one in his locker.” Fig buts in. “I’ll ask him. Class will be over in five so I’ll go meet him by the lockers.”

“If class is over soon we might want to go somewhere else too?” Kristen suggests. “People might want to use the bathroom.”

“Thank you. Okay.”

“What about the nurses office? Or should we see if Jawbone has a moment? You need to rest for a bit. Not trying to be mean or anything, but you look like you tried to take on Kalvaxus alone.”

“I’ll meet you there.” Fig says as she stands up and heads out the door.

Kristen carefully takes Adaine’s bag from her still firm grip and holds out a hand to help her get up. Adaine takes the offer and slowly rises on shaky legs.

They manage to get over to the nurse and Jawbone’s offices before the bell rings, avoiding the few students wandering the corridors as much as possible. The little light outside Jawbones office is green, signaling that he’s in office and not talking to someone. Kristen knocks on his door, letting herself in as she gets a murmured response.

“Hey, Kristen. What’s up?” He says as he looks up at them.

“Hey man.” Kristen goes in and plops down in one of the slightly uncomfortable chairs on the opposite side of Jawbone’s desk. Adaine follows and carefully shuts the door behind her. Then she stops, unsure if she should sit down on the sofa or the chair next to Kristen. She decides that she is too tired to care and goes over and sits down at the end of the sofa closest to Jawbone.

“Hi, Adaine.” He studies her for a moment before continuing softly. “How are you today?”

She shakes her head. That feels like the right response, even though it’s probably not what he’s looking for.

“She had a panic attack.” Kristen says looking at Adaine for confirmation that it’s okay for her to tell Jawbone what happened. Adaine subtly nods and Kristen launches into a full explanation of the afternoon’s events, or at least her version of them. Jawbone sits quietly and listens until the end.

“It’s good that you checked in with her and helped her through it. And thank you for taking her here, it’s good to get somewhere quiet when calming down from an attack.”

They are interrupted by a knock at the door. Kristen leans over and opens it without getting out of her chair. Gorgug is standing outside, awkwardly holding a hoodie in front of him.

“Uhm, so… Fig got caught smoking in the corridor when she was supposed to be in class. She barely managed to tell me to come here with a, um… spare hoodie, before getting dragged away to Aguefort’s office. What’s going on?” he asks looking around at the three of them for an answer.

_Shit._

Fig got in trouble because of her. No, no, no, this is exactly what she was afraid of, her friend got in trouble because she involved her in her stupid uncontrollable feelings. Adaine knew she shouldn’t have told anyone. Why did she always do this, why did she get her involved into her own mess? It’s not Fig’s fault. Adaine should be the one getting in trouble for cutting class. This is all her fault. Why does she always have to fuck it up like this?-

“Panic attack.” Kristen simply states, bringing Adaine out of her fun little downwards spiral. You can see the wheels turning in Gorgug’s head as he tries to connect the dots. When it clicks his gaze lands on Adaine, who is starting to shake a little harder now.

“Oh, um, okay, here you go.” he says placing the hoodie next to her on the little couch.

“Thank you so much, Gorgug.” She replies smiling a little. She slips on the large hoodie. It’s comforting, not yet that warm but smelling faintly of Gorgug and laundry detergent.

“You guys should head off to class now.” Jawbone speaks up, turning to Kristen and Gorgug. “I don’t have any other appointments today, so Adaine can stay here with me until she feels better.”

“Okay.” Kristen says, getting up from the chair. “I’ll see you after school?”

Adaine nods.

“See you later” Gorgug adds before they both leave.

\---

“You feel like talking about it?” Jawbone asks after spending about half an hour in silence. Adaine laying down on the couch resting as Jawbone worked.

“I guess.” Adaine says shrugging a bit and sitting up. Pulling her knees up to her chest inside the hoodie. They sit in silence for a beat more, Jawbone letting Adaine take the lead in the conversation.

“I… I kind of felt it in first period. My heart didn’t stop racing after I ran to class. But it passed entirely after a few moments.”

“That’s good.”

“Then it came back. I couldn’t cast a spell in class, and then the cafeteria was too loud, and then the breathing exercises didn’t work, and then I couldn’t find my medication. I guess it just all built up until I couldn’t handle it.” Adaine starts fidgeting with the hem of the hoodie.

“That’s okay. Did you tell anyone when you started to feel it coming on?”

“No.” She whispers bashfully.

“And you couldn’t find your medication?” he questions.  
“No. I have most of it at home, but the ones I keep with me must have fallen out of my bag or something.”

“But you took your other pills this morning right?”

“Yes.”

“How bad was it? 1 to 10?”

“8 maybe. It was really scary.” Adaines voice goes really quiet at the last part, a blush creeping up on her face. She’s rubbing and twisting her hands in front of her.

Jawbone continues asking her questions as he turns around and pours some water into one of the paper cups sitting in a stack on his desk.

“I understand that. Did you try to do your breathing exercises?”

“Yes.”

“Adaine, will you drink a little for me?” he says as he hands her the cup.

She lifts the cup to her lips and takes a sip.

“Thank you. It’s very good that you did your breathing exercises. They didn’t work this time?”

“No, not really.”

“That’s okay. Sometimes you need a bit more to get out of your own head. Speaking of, remember to bring your medicine tomorrow. Okay? I’ll try to remind you.”

“Mhm.”

“It’s really good that you told Kristen when she asked. However, we both know that it’s better if you not let it spiral out of hand. I know that it’s difficult, but you need to tell someone earlier. You’ll benefit from having someone just keeping an eye on you to be there if you were to start losing control. You hear me?”

“I’ll try.”

“Do you talk to your friends about your anxiety?” Jawbone looks at her with warm eyes.

“Not a lot. Of course they know that I have panic attacks, that I have medication for it and that I come here to work on it, but I don’t know… And they know what to do when I get them for the most part. They’ve figured it out by now. But they never really ask about it. I think they don’t want to push me to tell them anything if I don’t want to, but I find it so hard to initiate it. So it doesn’t really come up naturally in conversation that often.”

“Do you want to talk about it with them?”

“Yeah, maybe…” she responds slowly, having to think about it for a moment.

“About what?”

“I don’t know. I just… I just like, wish that I could explain how it feels. And how scary it can be.”

“I understand that it might be easier said than done, but if you feel that you want to, I think you should talk to them about it. I know that your friends would love to listen if it could help you.”

“Okay, maybe I’ll try to do that.” She looks up from her cup of water to his smiling face.

“That’s good. And you know that you can always come to me if you need to?”

“Yes.”

The room goes quiet once more.

They sit there for what must be a few minutes, Adaine taking sips of the water ever so often.

“It just feels so difficult.” She breaks the silence hesitantly and stops for a moment to think before continuing. “Not getting better even though I’m working so hard.”

“But you are getting better.”

“It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like… I do all these breathing exercises and take my meds, and still I get so scared and get panic attacks. Won’t it ever just… stop?” her voice laced with irritation and dejection.

“You’re looking at it the wrong way.” Jawbone interposes. “You look at what’s still left and what you are still trying to deal with, instead of looking at what you have improved.”

He leans forward in his chair again.

“How often did you have panic attacks before?”

“I don’t know. A lot?” her answer come out sounding like a question. She glances up at him before looking away again, the eye contact being a bit to intense right now.

“How often do you have them now?”

“I haven’t had one in a couple of weeks. I guess that’s good.”

“And before, if you felt your anxiety coming on, did you know how to handle it?”

“No. But, yes, I know how to now.” she says in a slightly mocking tone and then sighs.

“No need to be snarky!” Jawbone jokes letting out a howling laugh, making Adaine chuckle with him.

“Sorry.”

“But, you see my point right?” he continues when she nods in response. “You are getting better, but it’s a slow process. And progress is never just a line to the top, it makes dips and peaks. Eventually though, it will climb a bit steadier.”

“But what if they never stop? I don’t want to keep having panic attacks. It’s so fucking unfair! I don’t want to feel like shit and miss out on stuff just because my brain is fucking broken!” Adaine can feel her eyes start to tear up as she raises her voice. Almost shouting at Jawbone, even though she knows that none of this is his fault.

“First off, your brain is not broken. You are sick. okay? Secondly, you know this one time I was talking to an old client of mine who had big money, right? He took something a said wrong so he sent his goons after me but I managed to wheel and deal with the goons and gave them some of my stuff. A few days later, one of em came back and ended up crying on my couch ‘cause he had been clean for a while. He said he was gonna sell em but he ended up having some, but I told him that this was a minor break, and that it didn't make his accomplishments so far any less worthy or pride or praise. Guy hasn't had a relapse since, I run into him at the grocery store sometimes. Point is, he got low too, but he bounced back. He's not broken because he relapsed.

“If he relapsed again, he still wouldn’t be broken. And hell, maybe he might. I hope not, but it’s possible, because beings in this existence are stupid and prone to change. Not necessarily good or bad change, but just change. But he could relapse tomorrow and come back from it, just like you’ll be able to time and time again because you are a strong person, Adaine. You might still have panic attacks in years to come. But the more you work on it, the easier it will be to deal with. And you’ll get better at not letting it affect you. You get me?”

“Mhm.” Adaine wipes away a stray tear escaping from her eye with the long sleve of Gorgug’s hoodie. Jawbone silently offers her the tissue box from his desk. She takes one and dabbs a bit more at the corners of her eyes.

The bell rings loudly, effectively cutting through the air of sincerity lying in the room. Bringing them back to reality.

“Do you want us to move our next meeting to a bit earlier than Thursday next week?” He asks looking over at the calendar laying on his desk. “I have a time after last period on Friday.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“Do you feel a bit better now?” he asks. Offering to take the now empty paper cup from Adaines hands. She hands it to him and without even looking he throws it over his shoulder and hits the trash can.

“Yeah. I think I’ll be okay.”

“I know you will be!” He says reaching over rubbing her arm with a big smile on his face.

A perfect timed knock on the door. Of course Fig doesn’t wait for an answer before busting in through the door.

“Hey, sorry that I couldn’t come by with the hoodie earlier. Porter caught me smoking in the corridor waiting for Gorgug, then Augefort forced me to sit through an entire bard class. I came as soon as I could.” She rapidly explains.

“Fig! You can’t just interrupt like that. We could have been having an important conversation.” Jawbone scolds, although a bit halfhearted.

“Sorry.” she actually looks a bit sheepish.

“It’s okay. We were just finishing up anyways.” Adaine buts in. Fig looks relieved.

“Do you wanna go for ice cream at Basrar’s?”

“Don’t you have Bloodrush practice?” Adaine wonders.

“Gorthalax had to clear up something with one of his old friends so practice is cancelled today. I thought we could ask the boys to join us too. Gilear probably won’t mind us borrowing his car.” Fig explains excitedly.

“Okay, that sounds nice.”

“Come on then.”

And just like that Fig is out in the corridor again making the crowd of student part to give her room as she runs off to find the others or steal Gilear’s car keys. Adaine turns to Jawbone.

“Thank you. See you tonight.”

“No problem, kiddo. I’m here anytime. See you later!”

Adaine carefully closes the door behind her before taking off after Fig, trying to catch up.

\---

Sipping on the last of her vanilla milkshake Adaine looks around at her friends. Fig and Fabian are in a heated argument about music while Riz is doing the best he can to stay out of it. Gorgug has his arm around Zelda, sitting the furthest inside the booth. She leans up and whispers something in his ear and they both blush a little. Kristen and Tracker sadly couldn’t join them as they had a meeting with the LGBTQ+ club that they wanted to go to.

Adaine feels so safe in that moment, happy to have such amazing friends to rely on. Either if it’s a big scary dragon or a big scary panic attack, she knows that they will always be there for her.

As the afternoon sets in the sun starts to hang lower in the sky, making it turn a subtle shade of purple. The Bad Kid’s ice cream long gone they start to head out into the chilly autumn air. Adaine clutching her jacket of many things tighter, pulling out a long scarf with stripes of light and darker grey. Gorgug and Zelda politely decline Figs offer of a ride home, instead deciding on walking to Zelda’s house. They look extremely cute as they walk off, swinging their hands between them. Fabian takes off on the Hangman and the rest of them pile into Gilear’s car.

They drop Riz off at his new office and then start driving back to Mordread manor. Silence falls over Gilear’s car as they drive. Adaine is looking out the window deep in thought.

“You good?” Fig says glancing over.

“Yeah. Just thinking.” She takes a moment trying to decide whether or not to continue. “It’s just, when I talked to Jawbone earlier, he said that maybe I should talk more about my anxiety with you guys. I guess that I wondered if, if you don’t mind, you’d be okay to talk for a little? If you don’t want to that’s fine.” The last part comes out all jumbled up.

“Of course we can talk! You don’t even have to ask that, I’ll always listen if you need it.” Fig calmly says as she pulls up in front of the house and parks the car. Adaine silently wondering how she was thinking of returning it to Gilear, but not saying anything about it as to not ruin the moment. Not knowing what else to say either though, Adaine just stays quiet.

“You were really worked up earlier. It must be really scary having panic attacks like those.” Fig tries to get the conversation started as she turns to face Adaine in her seat.

“Yup, really freaky.” Adaine responds. “It’s the worst feeling.” She shutters a little.

“I was actually wondering about that. What does it feel like for you? I know a little about the general symptoms of anxiety, but isn’t it a bit different for everyone?” As an after thought she adds. “If that’s too much or too personal, I totally get it. I was just curious.”

“No, that’s fine. When I get a panic attack, I feel like I can’t catch my breath. Like, I’m breathing really fast but the oxygen just isn’t going from my lungs to my body and my body starts to freak out about it.” Taking a shaky breath as she remembers the feeling trying to describe it.

“I also feel the need to get out of any given situation that I’m in. I just need to get out. Mostly that’s because I feel… Not pain, but like, super uncomfortable in my own body. Like my mind has been taken out and put back in slightly wrong. Just making my body feel... wrong.”

“That sounds bad.” Fig smiles sadly.

“Aha, not a good time! Then I just freak out more and become overwhelmed, shaky and feel like I’m losing control over everything.”

“You’re really brave for going through all that and then still keeping on fighting you know.” Fig praises.

“I don’t really feel brave though. I’m just scared all the time.”

“You can’t be brave if you are not at least a little afraid. If you weren’t scared, fighting it wouldn’t be difficult. And sure, that would be nice, but not brave.”

“Thank you, Fig.”

“That’s nothing to thank me for, just telling the truth.” She grins, then reverting back to a more serious expression. “But, what do you want me to do if it happens again? Is there something I can do better next time?”

“You did good. I often just need a secluded space, time and someone to be there. If it gets bad I usually have my meds on me as well. But I get extremely tired afterwards so then it’s nice to be somewhere where I can at least sit down and take a moment to compose myself.”

“Should I try to talk to you or hug you or anything?”

“No hugs is a good rule, sometimes it’s okay but nine times out of ten it just makes me feel more trapped. Touching in general can be a bit too much but what you did today was okay.” Adaine shrugs. “And on that same track, I like it when I have a way to get out. I get that there wasn’t a lot of room in the stall, but it made me a bit uneasy when you blocked my way out.” “I’m sorry about that.” Fig’s voice is soft, apologizing.  
“No, you couldn’t have known that. Talking is totally fine though. I might not always answer, but it can be good as a distraction. Keep me from spiraling. Yes and no questions work best, or if you just talk about something else that I can focus on listening to.”

“That’s good to know. I got this in the bag. I can ramble about stuff for ages and distractions is my middle name! I hope I won’t need it many times though. I don’t want you going around panicking all the time.” Fig orders chuckling a little. “Thank you for sharing though.”

“Thank you for listening. It feels nice to know that you can help if stuff goes down.”

“I promise to do my best! And I’m also down to talk whenever you feel like it. Just tell me.”

Fig opens her arms and they lean in for a somewhat awkward but nice hug with the gear stick only getting a bit in the way.

“Wanna see what’s for dinner?” Fig asks as they break apart again.

“Yeah, let’s get inside before I stumble on something in the dark.”

\---

And so, as the chilly night sets once more over Mordrid manor, you could see the lights in the window going out one by one. In the tower Adaine is falling into trance, knowing that tomorrow will at least be better than today.

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to helloyesIamtrash for beta reading, moral support and the crazy Jawbone story. Also check out "On Souls and Similarity" because it's freaking awesome and the last chapter will be epic! ;)


End file.
